Cleveland Park Junior League

CPJL: A Slow, Tormented, Exceptionally Cruel Coma

2005-06-28T15:54:00.000-04:00

Dearest Comrades of the CPJL:

Seriously, I give. I'm coming up goose eggs. It's all just too much. I think my circuits have officially been overloaded. The CPJL blog, 'tis ill. Not quite flatlining, but close. What are some Victorian era maladies? The palsy? The vapors? Whatever it is, I have them. Fiddle dee dee.

Maybe it's just a mental block. It might be my recent attempts at deafening myself with righteous rock-and-roll. Or the alcohol-induced liver problems. It might be age. It might just be indigestion. It might be COUNTLESS POSTS AND COMMENTS ON FUCKING SEERSUCKER PANTS. It might be that my corset is too tight. It might be the Scientologists. I just don't know, but I cannot write here, not right now, and not about you. You win. I am a damaged woman. I think it's your confidence. It has shattered me. If anyone needs me, I'll be in a gutter somewhere in Ledroit Park, partaking in a series of fitful alcoholic dreams about the good old days, when I was youthful and headstrong and blog-worthy. My wits are dull, my moral outrage exceptionally hazy.

Consider me on hiatus. It's a certainty I'll return, I just don't know when. Until then, I am vacating CPJL for a much-needed summer break. I wish the CPMC and their harem a good summer without my gentle, alluring, seductive, flirtatious teasing. So flirtatious. Vacation, all I ever wanted and shit. I'm like: the Belinda Carlisle of the CPJL. I'll be trying something more fun, like sticking my head in gator mouths and walking on hot coals.

Or, dogfighting.

Happy summertime to ye all and ye all a good night. I'll be back.

Kisses and Ponies;
The Governess

P.S. If this is your child, she is exceptional and I have been looking to adopt so hook me up. Seriously. This photo comes courtesy my Best-est, Mafia-est, Bergen County-est ol' pal Diana B., who coincidentally got her fine ass engaged this weekend. Welcome to the club. Anyways, if you are somehow related to this child, or to Dee, and are mortally offended that I am posting this on this here blog, say the word and I will take it down. Until then, she haunts my dreams, in a good way, and reminds me of myself when I was a child. I have met my match, and my match is Toga Girl in Makeup. I love you, TGIM.

CPJL: Because it's rude to take up other blog's comment boxes with too much text

2005-06-13T17:30:00.000-04:00

We slack.

We also really do hate using other people's ~~soap~~ comment boxes when we have our own shiny black template from which to spout profusely into the void.

Link:

"Nice of her to call me sir, cause’ I was busy thinking about all of the horrible things I would do to her and her family."

(Sidenote, from the CPMC comments box: ..okay..for all the fat people out there reading-- get a life, drink your slim fast. Be glad that the government has called your eating indulgence a disease-- but -- cool off the CPMC. It's not their fault that they're good looking, get babes, and have the balls enough to stick up for their ladies when some idiot is trying to frisk her. That’s the funniest thing I’ve read today, and I read DCBachelor every day now, religiously! Sweet.)

Carry on.

Can't we have a discussion on this versus your visceral reactions to the man's words?

No, some people can’t. And therefore, your point will be lost with those people. So, you have to determine which is more important – the language you utilize, or the point of the whole piece? You can’t always have both and expect everyone to do a golf clap at the end of your internet essays. I honestly don’t think the CPMC DOES expect that reaction at the conclusion of anything Capo writes; they expect discussion. Which is stimulating, sure- but it’s interesting in all of this how freaky defensive these guys get with Capo. Doth protest too much, etc.

Who is being ungentlemanly more? TSA employees who take liberty with our liberties OR Capo speaking his mind b/c some TSA guy is patting down his gf because of an expired passport?

Well, then that just leaves the fact that they were ungentlemanly first, wah, and Capo’s own account of his reaction implies he sunk to their level.

TSA and the Patriot Act and citizen rights and this whole seemingly unfortunate situation aside, (because most commenters on this story who are reacting negatively aren’t necessarily disagreeing with Capo’s opinion on TSA/rights/whatevs), some are trying to point out it's the way Capo writes about situations like this that make people question him. He’s aggressive, and that will always turn a percentage of the population off. Words are dependent on tone. Calling someone "overweight" can be descriptive, or it can be mean and juvenile. I’m hedging bets that he wasn’t trying to be simply "descriptive" with that and the "greasy Colombian" comment, it was based primarily in animosity. Same with the "bullshit" comment. Same with imagining how you're going to harm the TSA agent and her family, after what- a few seconds of interaction? Whoa.

However, I wasn’t there, and neither were any of the CPMC commenters, so that’s just a best guess. Maybe they were throwing Capo and his beloved around like rag dolls; treating them like absolute worthless puppyshit - in that case, I'd sue, rather than bitch on a blog about it. However, if I had a boyfriend/girlfriend/life partner/best friend/human with me at an airport and he/she jumped to using profanity without attempting to first resolve the situation by ANY OTHER MEANS POSSIBLE, I'd be humiliated, too. By that person's hotheaded-ness, but not by the TSA.

Capo has a style all to his own. DO NOT BOX US IN YOUR ideas for what the CPMC is. You can't define us. Don't try. He is a voice in the group...and adds value.

I've seen this before, guys: "DO NOT BOX US IN." Got it. Check. Capo has a style all his own. But see above: style or substance? Sometimes, sadly, you can’t have both and please everyone. I haven’t seen any editing on this entry, but in the past it has outwardly appeared his "style" is under constant review, even by his friends. Unless he’s edited some of his past pieces later himself, in which case he regrets typing certain things, and maybe this little rant will change, too.

It seems that the CPMC's example of the "lost art of classic masculinity" is certainly lost in all this, if they're still gunning for that overall, "gentlman" thing. Then again, I might be "trying to define you", and that'll earn me a handslap in double-time, no doubt.

CPJL: Ooooh, we love this kind of game!

2005-06-06T16:38:00.000-04:00

"Coach" or CPMC?
Which do you prefer?

"Coach", or CPMC Member?

One of these is an actor.
One of these is a founding CPMC Member.
One of these is on Team... Minnesota State.

F*&k yeah, Dauber.

We've seen the future, Senator, and it lies not in politics - it lies in the heart of your Screaming Eagles. But it's all good. Consider it a compliment. We find Senator Craig T. Nelson a stone cold (Hayden) Fox. The resemblance, it's all in the eyes. Myself, I resemble nothing more than a poor man's Jessica Tandy. It's hard being from the Victorian era.

CPJL: her trainer says she needs to up her reps to see a difference

2005-06-02T11:51:00.000-04:00

RAW SMACKDOWN AT AROMA: THE LJG VS. THE G.

Let the truth be known: I started off this Memorial Day weekend by kicking some ass.

EDIT: Somewhat related.

And N'er the Two Shall Meet

2005-05-28T10:52:00.000-04:00

It happened last night. We met, in person. Shook hands and all that. I'll miss the fun of anonymity, but it was good to finally see ya', Senator.

CPJL: Our book would be titled SEXY GIRLS 'N HEELS DRINKING MARTINIS 'N SINGLE 'N A CITY 'N CRAP

2005-05-24T16:44:00.000-04:00

YO.

Random House.

Yeah, you. I have sitemeter tracking our shit. Don't think I wouldn't call you out on this.

You were here quite a while, kitten.

It's summer, and I'm ready to scram from Cubicleville, where everyone wears double-knit poly and sensible bronze-y loafers. Random House, I am wearing khakis today. HELP, Random House. Help me help you. I'm ready for the big-time, baby. I'm an asteroid, hurtling toward earth. Lather me in silk and stick me in a fur-covered boudoir, Random House: I can be Jackie Collins. I can be anything you want. I will write new-school for you: in public on the internet; or I will write old-school if you wish: I will write charmingly, I will write wittily, I will write long-hand on yellow legal pads filched from my current job. I'm a born author.

Ring up and we can talk book deals, okay? I am willing to swallow pride and sell myself to the chick-lit devil, should you call... apparently lots of seemingly horrible internets cewebrities are doin' it these days. (HI STEPHANIE KLEIN OF NYC.)

I've been waiting to join in the unwashed authoring masses (read: bloggers) for the right amount of gold coins in a burlap bag.

Not a sermon, just a thought.

CPJL: Behind That Foster Smith.

2005-05-23T16:28:00.000-04:00

As the oft-quoted LJG says: HOLY MARIAH. This brings back a little of the "what we once was" flava of CPJL, complete with ye olde internets references. Post that shit.

Foster Grants? Please. Foster SMITHS.

Foster Smiths are classics...perfect for those celebrating the lost artforms of classic clownulinity. Or, purrfect felineinity. The history of these sleek adornments is just plain cool. It is time to upgrade for the summertime, and get yourself a pair of these kitties.

"Who's THAT behind that Foster Ruff?"

Bozo wore one. These ruffs make everyone look good.

Not only cool in appearance, FS's have an authenticity about them that is undeniable. Coolness does not come from looks alone--but from your personal sense of style.

Have some style, and pick up a Foster Smith.

LJG did.

Shit, dog, is that SPRUCE JACQUARD????

i know, it's a total stretch. sigh. we're losing our touch. the only other option was referencing those awful twin asshats from the Style network who I wake up to every morning wanting to kick in the teeth and then run over with a garbage truck.

CPJL: Now in Fine Print

2005-05-20T10:39:00.000-04:00

what, no link to CPJL? We're disappointed.

CPJL: Welcome to the Neighborhood

2005-05-18T16:08:00.000-04:00

Howdy!

We've been negligent lately.

So, uh, we forgot to mention... it looks like we have company.

Are these the grrrls for whom we are repeatedly mistaken by CPMC and otherrrs?

We're a welcoming bunch, and we invite the CPGC and any other local lurkers/Melissa Etheridge fans to Come to our (Internets) Window.

While you have the chance, we'd also suggest registerrring:

Cleveland Park Eskimo's Club
Cleveland Park Shifty-Eyed Gangsterrrs Club
Cleveland Park Chicks Who Like to Bath(e) League
Cleveland Park Grrrover Cleveland League

These blogger things, they go quickly.

Seriously, though - one of these days a C.P. happy hour is in orderrr.

CPJL: Cries at Commercials

2005-05-16T16:42:00.000-04:00

The Very Very CPJL just realized we keep moving farther and farther down the CPMC's link list on their page.

It's like the end of a very very junior era.

The CPJL needs to step it up.

This is unacceptable.

CPJL: Making all the People Come Together

2005-05-12T16:54:00.000-04:00

The CPJL wants to keep this bastion of Cleveland Park friendliness separate from the rest of their stunted lives.

So, uh: sweet, honey-covered Jesus, we just went and did something we said we'd never do. We started a real goddamn blog. Look to yer right.

It's not like we're giving up all the hopes and dreams we've invested in the CPMC. Please keep both sites bookmarked (we're unabashed internets attention whores), and we'll keep both updated to the best of our abilities.

"Abilities" meaning until we find jobs that keep us more occupied.

CPJL: Attended Dinosaur Gold Cup Instead

2005-05-09T17:54:00.000-04:00

We're sorry we missed you all at Dino Gold Cup.

We didn't get a chance to don any plaid, or pink & green ensembles, but at least we broke out the kickass hats.

The Governess poses with her pick to win.

Cheek to cheek: dino sorority style

The Duchess gets attacked in an unfortunate julep brawl.

Dino Gold Cup traditions: the bloodening.

We'll see you next year at Dino Gold Cup!

CPJL: DCist & Estado Azul, y'all.

2005-05-06T10:14:00.000-04:00

goodnight

CPJL: My So-Called Pygmalion Life

2005-05-04T14:01:00.000-04:00

CPJL: Has Never Before Been Called "Pedantic," but Kind Of Likes It.

2005-05-02T11:06:00.000-04:00

Hi Internet!

The Cleveland Park Junior League-

The smart girls: When you get to know them, you like them, but before that it's "that girl" in senior AP English who is actually the smartest person in class, but she knows it, and keeps bringing up points that NO ONE was interested in and then keeps talking and usually arguing with the teacher.

I really, really wanted to like these chicks (Lady Jane, the Duchess and the Governess) are smart and quite witty ("the shit that comes out of her mouth"). They are positioning themselves to be a sort of answer to the CPMC, which fine, but there answer appears to be more whiney than clever. Their actual postings are fine, a little pedantic, but hey, it's DC. However, every time I read their blog comments they post on their other sites, I puke a little in my mouth.

I like them just throwin those brass balls onto the table and challenging the gents, but alas, they are coming out swinging, but with no real purpose. The whole thing (sadly) stinks of smug and so I can merely wait and hope that the banter becomes a lot less smart people trying really hard to impress other smart people. Oh, and they drink, too, but I need more from these little tarts.

* * * *

1. I shouldn't allow comments on this because I fear LJG getting all red-pen-ish with her bad self. So contain yourself, Miss Lady Jane Grammar Police. Nobody likes the smart girl, at least not up-front when you're all loud about it. Right? Right. Right!

2. I wrote notes and then folded them into football-shapes during my AP English classes, lo those many years ago, & therefore never said a word. But hey, SHOUT OUT to teacher Mary-Patricia Amibraghili, and her mad love of all things The Sound and the Fury. Prom committee props and shit.

3. I drink, but I don't drink and tell. Smug? That's kind of true. I can work with smug. Blogs with PURPOSE? Novel idea. We lack purpose. Absolutely. Agreed. Check and check.

4. I promise to never comment on another blog again. I dislike being responsible for other's well-being, especially someone I don't know. (Sidenote: It's why I only own an undemanding beta fish.)

CPJL: Total Sweetness

2005-04-29T11:43:00.000-04:00

CPJL: We are the J.D. Salinger of the blog world.

2005-04-28T10:36:00.000-04:00

The Lady

and the Tramp

CPJL: Blogging While Intoxicated is the New Drunk Dialing

2005-04-26T10:05:00.000-04:00

CPJL: Have a Unified Aesthetic, and Your Mediocrity will be Assuaged

2005-04-22T10:12:00.000-04:00

CPJL: Procreating & Working at the Ford Dealership

2005-04-21T08:46:00.000-04:00

CPJL: Our Other Blog is a DeLorean

2005-04-20T15:55:00.000-04:00

CPJL: She Ate a Whole Pie. No, Really.

2005-04-20T10:37:00.000-04:00

CPJL: How to Lose a Blog in 10 Days.

2005-04-19T15:37:00.000-04:00

CPJL: Keep Hitting Refresh

2005-04-18T10:20:00.000-04:00

One week older, none the wiser.

Drew did the best Darby Crash impression I have ever seen (after his panel, I asked him if he had a blog - he snapped with Dorothy Parker dryness "No, I have a dissertation.") - Jessica Hopper